


Do elves poop?

by Aegithalos_caudatus



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Omorashi, conspiracy theories about elves, curious hobbits, messing, peeing in the forest, poo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22056442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aegithalos_caudatus/pseuds/Aegithalos_caudatus
Summary: Journeys tend to be a bit more boring than books make them seem. And boredom often leads young hobbits to do stupid things such as investigating whether elves have the same toilet needs as other races. Legolas does not make the investigation easy for them.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	Do elves poop?

It had been five days since they’ve left Rivendell, and so far, their journey had been exceedingly uneventful. Pippin would go so far as to call it boring, but Merry refrained from that word anywhere within the wizard’s earshot, as it had already earned the other young hobbit a smack on the head for tempting fate. The fate must not have been particularly tempted since the most exciting thing to happen around them thus far was a distant scuffle between two foxes.

Uneventful, however, did not equal easy. The slopes of the Misty Mountains were overgrown with dense bushland and the few paths they could find were little more than game trails. On top of the already difficult terrain, Aragorn had been practically paranoid about their trail being found and often chose a more difficult route to confuse and delay any pursuit. 

The tiring journey had swiftly rid the youngsters of most of their excitement and enthusiasm (though it did nothing to their bullheaded stubbornness). It also rather quickly rid all of the fellowship of any shyness. They travelled through the night and rested through the day, so when they finally had a break long enough to tend to the necessary, they could not simply hide in darkness. Finding privacy generally meant clamouring over rocks and struggling through dense and prickly underbrush, and after long hours of walking, no one, not even Gandalf, was willing to do that. They were all men anyway, in one meaning of the word. What did they have to hide from each other?

‘Although,’ thought Merry to himself ‘it is rather strange to see a wizard do something as ordinary as pooping.’

Merry and Pippin were currently sharing a watch while the others slept and they were both getting rather bored. That was, perhaps, an explanation enough for him thinking of such things. There was not much else to keep a hobbit’s mind occupied among the wilderness.

‘...still, it is to be expected. Everyone who eats has to get rid of the useless bits, no matter how high or low. Aragorn and Boromir poop too, even though they are practically royalty. Gimli certainly does and Legolas...’

Merry’s thoughts stopped short at that. He couldn’t remember seeing the elf attend to the necessary even once. Not just pooping, he didn’t even join the group when they all took a leak before departing each evening. 

“Hey, Pip? Do you think that elves poop?”

The younger hobbit looked up, startled from his own thoughts (which centred mostly on imagining what he would have been having for lunch had he stayed at Rivendell). 

“What? Why wouldn’t they?”

“Well, think about it? Have you ever seen one of them excuse themselves for any reason? They would sit in the room of fire until the morning after the feasts without needing to get up. And did you ever see Legolas do anything like that? We have been pretty close to him for the entirety of the five days and I’ve never seen it.”

Pippin nodded. He too had never seen Legolas pass anything and he couldn’t remember the elves in Rivendell even implying it. He was getting intrigued.

“You are right. They don’t even seem to have privies outside those near the guest quarters. When Frodo was recovering in that healing suite all he had was a chamber pot. But, they do eat and drink, don’t they? I’ve certainly seen them do that.”

“They do. But still, how much has Legolas eaten since we have departed? Less than either of us and we’re a lot smaller than him. Maybe they get rid of it some other way?”

“Maybe. But what if he just does it while it’s his turn to watch or when he goes to scout ahead each evening. We wouldn’t see it then.”

“But that would mean not paying attention for a while on his watch and delaying the whole fellowship in the evening. I don’t think Legolas would do that, do you?”

They agreed that the sylvan prince was not likely to do something so irresponsible and lapsed into silence, each pondering their time in Rivendell, searching their memory for any clue that would elucidate the riddle.

“It’s a mystery,” concluded Merry with a sigh of defeat.

“A mystery which we will resolve!” Pippin asserted, “we should make a new conspiracy and investigate until we find out!”

Merry, who failed to see any harm in it and was, after all, quite bored, agreed readily.

*****

Unbeknown to the two hobbits, the elf in question was a very light sleeper and had a very acute hearing. Legolas had awoken when they began talking and would have gone back to sleep had he not caught the topic they were speaking of. Staying perfectly still, he listened in amusement to the argument unfolding. He had never particularly intended to hide his actions from the rest of the fellowship. It just so happened that the firstborn were created more perfect in this aspect as well and needed to both eat and eliminate much less often than the later races. And the Noldor in Rivendell were prudes (though they would say that it was the Sindar of Mirkwood who have gone wild after mixing themselves with the moriquendi). An elven prince he might be, but he was not above a bit of mischief. He smiled slightly. Watching the young hobbits go about solving the “mystery” would be a nice distraction during this dreary part of their journey.

*****

The conspiracy had run into problems almost immediately when the final original conspirator refused to join.

“I don’t see any sense in looking for an answer like that. I reckon that if they eat, they pass waste and that’s that. If you really can’t go without knowing, you should just ask, but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t tell you aught. It’s none of our business anyway.”

And with that, he went back to tending Bill the pony.

“He’s a nice sensible chap, Sam is, but he does lack any sense of adventure,” lamented Pippin mournfully.

“But he did have one good point,” mused Merry, “asking would be the easiest way.”

“Too easy,” retorted Pippin “besides, who would we even ask? I doubt that Boromir or Gimli know more about elves than we do, Aragorn and Gandalf would just tell us to mind our own business and we can’t ask Legolas directly.”

“Why not?”

“Because he would know that we want to know and come up with something and tell the others as well then we would never know the truth!”

*****

Legolas had not, in fact, thought of that, but the idea had merit. Maybe he could let Aragorn in on the hobbit’s conspiracy and come up with some outrageous story together. The ranger could drop hints or even tell them if they ever built the courage to ask either of them directly.

*****

They both agreed that cousin Frodo was the only person in the fellowship who was likely to know and tell them, but they were disappointed here too. Not only did Frodo never witness an elf going to the privy but he had also given them a lecture about being nosy and not taking things seriously.

“Just because we want to have a bit of fun, doesn’t mean that we can’t be serious when the times call for it,” grumbled Merry.

The lecture had not deterred them in the slightest. If anything it just solidified their stubborn determination. 

“Well, it’s no use asking anyone else, we will have to investigate on our own.”

“But how?”

“We will watch him to see if he goes or leaves the camp for a suspicious amount of time. Our next watch is just before his. We can stay awake and observe secretly.”

*****

Both the elf and the ranger watched in amusement as Frodo scolded his cousins. The amusement turned into slight consternation when they head what the two were planning.

“If they complain about being tired, I'm going to sic Gandalf on them. He was the one who insisted that Elrond allow them to come, so he should be the one to deal with their foolishness.” Aragorn shook his head in exasperation.

“Don’t worry, if their investigation begins affecting the journey, I will make sure to speak with them and put a definitive end to it.”

*****

Legolas was quite impressed with how stealthy the young hobbits could be. Had he not known of their plan to stay awake, he would not have noticed anything amiss. As it was, he could catch the occasional exchange of glances, their eyes opening to slightest slits. Fighting a smile, he decided to be as sleep-inducing as possible and leaned against a rock. After half an hour, he started humming to himself. The melody was slow and soothing and he was soon rewarded with a new set of soft snores joining the remaining six. 

When his watch has ended, he woke Gimli and after checking that both investigators were still asleep, relieved himself behind a bush. It wouldn’t do to spoil their fun so quickly.

*****

Over the next few days, the hobbits would try to observe him during his watch, but he would either lull them to sleep or hold it throughout. He wasn’t particularly bothered by waiting a few hours to go. He acted as a rearguard and could simply go while sweeping their trail had he needed to. 

They were passing through the middle of Hollin now and they were surrounded by the ancient trees. When they stopped for the day, Legolas had opted for walking among them in place of sleep. As a wood elf, he argued, he would be much more rested for that than if he spent the day laying on the cold ground. And off he went.

The ancient beings whispered to him, with voices as the wind in the branches. They spoke of elves that had dwelt there in the time of their forefathers. They sang of their presence, dearly missed and not quite remembered except by the eldest of the ancient. The ones who had inhabited Eregion were Noldor and their craft concerned the shaping of metal and stone, but it took a long time for a forest to forget the presence of the quendi, no matter how disinterested they were in the forest themselves.

They also whispered of two beings following him. Considering that the trees did not warn him of any danger and he could not hear the figures approaching, he surmised that the two were hobbits. He could not allow them to tail him all day, however. Unlike him, they would not be invigorated by a walk among the trees. They needed to sleep. Surely, if they lost sight of him they would give up and head back towards the camp.

Legolas waited until they could see him and swiftly pulled himself into the branches of the nearest holly. The trees grew thickly enough for him to cross some distance without touching the ground.

He eventually stopped and sat down among the boughs of an unusually ancient and tall tree. He climbed to the very top first, to assure himself that their camp could not be seen from the air. The crebain still circled the sky, their eyes the eyes of the enemy. Seeing neither birds nor the camp, he retreated to a lower fork and sat down, letting the voices of the trees wash over his tired mind.

He sat there for several hours, singing to the trees and hearing their reply before he began to feel the need to empty his bowels. He had not brought a spade and he did not dare leave his waste exposed on the ground. Fell wolves served Sauron and who knew what hellish creatures Saruman had recruited to his cause. They could too easily pick up his scent and follow it to the fellowship. He would simply do as the Mirkwood patrols did when exploring unsafe territory. 

Spotting a branch both high and wide enough for his purposes, he followed it to the point where it connected with the trunk. Pulling down his breeches, he positioned himself carefully to assure that all his waste would remain on top of the branch. He emptied his bowels gradually, making sure that nothing would fall down. When he was done, he jumped to one of the highest branches and pressing his member against the trunk, he passed water slowly, letting the liquid soak into the uneven bark long before it could reach the ground. Tucking himself away, he looked at the sky and noting that the sun was getting low, he decided to head back.

*****

As he was nearing the camp, he could hear Gandalf loudly scolding someone.

“Valar preserve us from the foolishness and curiosity of hobbits. Of course, they do! Could you not have simply asked? I ought to make you march without dinner tonight, but walking without sleep will be punishment enough for you.”

Ah, so the young ones did not return to the camp. He felt a bit guilty as he watched the two eat their portions of dinner in contrite silence. He should not have let it go far enough to affect the safety of the whole fellowship.

*****

The hobbits did not stay silent for long. They walked behind Aragorn whispering loudly.

“So we know for certain that elves do go to the necessary. But why doesn’t Legolas go when others are around?”

“Maybe he’s shy?”

“Maybe he’s secretly a girl!”

The ranger had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing.

“Why would he be a girl?”

“It could be like in stories. A princess taking her brother’s place in a quest to prove that she’s worthy of a throne or maybe escaping from an unwanted marriage.”

“But wouldn’t Elrond and the others recognize her?”

“Not if she and her brothers are twins.”

“And her hair is always so pretty and she’s always so clean, it would make sense.”

Aragorn did not doubt that this misunderstanding would be just as amusing as the previous one. He would not let the elf hear the end of it for the remainder of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 2020 everyone!


End file.
